Ok, this is the first time that i have written how i am feeling at the moment and posted it online. I'm not one who goes around saying how i fee. I prefer to keep it to myself and i 'spose its my fault as to why i suffer from depression sometimes. Mum says im more of a
suffer in silence person because i don't want to make people feel burderned with my problems, i believe it's because i still gettin over the whole my dads had cancer ordeal.

It'll be two years this october 31st that dad was properly diagnosed with cancer but on january the 8th it'll be two years since the operation. If you asked someone in the street "how do you think you would cope if a loved one was diagnosed with it" they would probably reply to you saying that they understand that it would be tough and nt easy yet they would stand beside the person until the end. Truth is they don't know how they would react until it happens to them. Me, i'm still gettin over it all. When mum called me on the phone to tell me to get home so she could tell me i sensed it. I knew what she was going to say before she said it. For two months rouhly i watched my dad slowly die because the doctors couldnt be bothered to try and fit him in for an imprtant operation. They didn't see what it did to him, to mum and my brothers and i. It hit all of us in different ways, the boys played more on their computors (more than normal), dad never spoke about it, mum just tried to keep everyone together and i went into self distruct mode. I didnt care, i tried not to care because i didnt want to face a world father-less, to not have him walk me down the isle and give me away, to not be there when a girl just needs her daddy, to not threaten a boyfriend not to break my heart, to not b there full stop. It scared me more than you can imagine. And then it scared me for the boys who would be thier guide in life, who would take them out to the pub for their first legal drink and laugh himself silly at their hangover, take them out for 'man' time, show them how to drive a lawnmower (lol). And i was scared for mum, more than myself or the boys. because befor we came along and made the family bigger it was them, they are soul mates, best friends, allies for when the boys and i are playing up, i kno i can't imagine life without the pair of them but god knows how it affected mum. She showed she was worried etc but she never showed the full extent of it.

i don't want to make the whole experiance about me. It was a family issue and its sadly something that happens everywhere. If it wasnt for a doctor who works in oxford hospital i dread to think how bad things would have gone. To him and his team we are all truly grateful to. When it came to my friends at that time i found out who my true friends were! They treated me normally, kept me involved in things, kept me sane. They didn't cut themselves away from me or treat me like i was an outsider or talk about me behind my back or patronise me. They didn't look their nose down on me or tell me what to do (unless it involved my well being). But others did, i felt like half the time they were pointing at me and saying 'your dads ill your not fit to hang around wth us' whether or not its the case i dont know as i cut them out of my life period. I don't even acknowledge them in the street when they wave at me with their fake smiles. I cross the road and blank them.

I have always been a wild child but in the past two years sometimes it has been rather extreme. I cheated on a really nice guy, he was a little niave but he didnt deseve that. I dress unnapropriatly because i want attention. I want to be noticed by guys and i know i go all the wrong ways about it. I don't let guys get close to me because i dont want to be hurt again and on the rare occasion that i have even though it might not be serious i have gotten hurt, which puts up those walls again. I sometimes wonder why i am single and it's because of the way i act. I watch porn, i talk about alot of porn, i can turn anything into a sexual inuendo. I'm more like a man than a suposed woman. Which i can imagine is a turn off, i don't like slushy love films, give me horror, gore, action. I don't care half the time on how i look so it reflects on how i dress, and even when i do make an effort i never seem to get it right anyway so i give up. I'm not one to scream out how i'm feeling it takes me deep thinking on who do i confide in and what i confide in them about. And it's not just about trust because i trust all of my friends, i just have trouble opening up and i know that when i dont tell certain peope what my problem is whatever it may be they get the arseache. I have this exterior shield around me (everyone does) and mine is 'i'm always a happy person and you won't ever see me sad', thats my safe getaway. Thats why im sometimes TOO bold for my boots (and i mean bold not big), i have let only a handfull maybe one and a half handfulls of people get close to me and thats not including my family. I'm not always loud and cocky, i do like quite nights out without drinking or day trips. i love car journeys or outings or whatever that don't always have to have conversation but have a comfortable silences, something that is just general company. As some people know i love hugs i just want to be held half the time honestly because it makes me feel safe it doesnt have to be a signature of love, just something to let me know someone has my back.

Another thing is i don't relate well with other girls, unless there are some similarities with them besides have boobs etc i dont relate well, (2 or 3 though i have). I feel really insuperior with other girls like really small. Most girls are always trying to get the one up on each other and to me it shows insecurities, like one friend i know is ALWAYS trying to get the one up on me constantly and i mean constantly. I don't think much of much of myself, i know i have an element about the way i look but i know im not a stunner but please stop comparing yourself to me, im not a threat the girl in the mirror is.

It doesnt take much to knock whatever confidence that i have due to some hang-ups that i have from an extremly bad relationship i once was in. Long story cut short he was abusive mentally and phsically. I know i dont seem to show it because it was a while ago now and (i got my revenge on him which was wrong what i did but it did honestly help me in some ways) it made me see the world in different eyes. I don't think every guy is out to hurt women and i dont think (hope) i will ever be in that situation again. I'm a stronger person now than i was then.

I dye my hair but thats not to get noticed, thats for my benefit. I said before that i dont think much of myself and sometimes when i dye my hair it's like i can hide my insecurities justfor a little while or i can adopt this whole new look and see how it suits me which is alot of the time. I always choose loud colours to shock people sometimes, wether or not they like it is up to them the important thing is that i like it.

I wrote this because i needed to get a few thing off my chest and to tell people so that they can understand me better. I haven't written it because i want attention or whatever i just felt like it needed to be said and i could never say all of this in one go to someones face. Im sorry it's taken me this long to write about it 2 years is a long time to bottle this up and im hoping i can actually move on in my life, with myself and relationship wise

xxx